Impossible Customers
An Editorial by www.FakeNewspapers.com
Copyright (c) 2005 FakeNewspapers.com

We feel the public customer feedback systems for on-line retailers are a necessary and desirable component to all types of retail business around the world. Increasingly, however, that system is being abused by dishonest customers, idiotic customers, and downright insane customers. When customers file public documents berating a business, that business has a right---and an obligation-- to respond. Publicly.

This document contains and includes our opinions.
This document describes our interaction with one "Lauren Raiten":

--------------------------------------------------------------

It occasionally happens that we make a mistake. When we do, we fess up. Thankfully it's rare, as in once or twice a year rare, out of thousands and thousands of orders. Still, when it happens, we feel horrible. We consider it nothing short of an emergency, and we will bend over backwards to straighten it out and get the right item to the customer in time. We also generally torture, then execute the employee responsible. Again, it's fortunate that we only have to kill one or two employees per year.

Usually, when a customer finds an error in their product, they simply email us politely, we fix it instantly if not sooner, and everyone's happy -- or at least as happy as they can be under the circumstances. We feel badly that the customer is even put to the trouble of having to contact us regarding a mistake, and we'll apologize profusely for causing them that inconvenience. Occasionally, a customer will spout off and insult us for the error. We'll generally tolerate that too-- to a point. After all, when WE receive an order that's screwed up, WE are justifiably angry as well, and we sometimes vent our ire on the stupid etailer.

Sometimes, however, we encounter a customer who is simply off the wall, as in the case of Angela Johnson. In her case, we didn't even make a mistake -- but we were threatened with death and dismemberment anyway. Thank Allah we only get an Angela Johnson once every few years. Angela, incidentally, contacted us many months after the fact and apologized profusely, saying she'd been undergoing anger management, drug treatment, etc., etc. Well, who cares. After a thrashing such as we received at the hands of Angela Johnson, she won't ever be allowed to order or contact us again. That goes without saying.

But there's another kind of problem customer out there who just plain leaves us baffled. This is the account of our experience with Lauren Raiten. Lauren has stated, in writing, that she's going to do everything in her power to trash us. We're therefore compelled to voice "The Rest....of the Story..."

We received the following snippety email from this woman a while back. We saw it, as we always do, as an emergency, a problem that needed to be corrected instantaneously. Clearly, we'd made a mistake in this woman's order, she was justifiably angry, and we wanted to fix it as quickly and as properly as possible. Here's her first email to us:

Message: i recently ordered a fake newspaper from you. it was not printed according to the specifications. some of the critical requested information was omitted....very disappointed since you appear to be so assured of being error free

Well, the lady SHOULD be disappointed! We were disappointed in OURSELVES! Unfortunately, we couldn't help her as she didn't include her order number. So we replied minutes later with a request for the order number, the person's name(!), and a description of what the errors were.

But we received no reply.

The days passed, and we emailed her again, and again, and received no reply.

More time passed, and we emailed her again. Still no reply.

Finally, we sent her a "final request", again asking for the order number and a description of the problem. It was occurring to us that we were far more worried about this problem than was the customer, Lauren Raiten. Still, we kept trying. After all, she paid for a particular thing, and we're always determined that the customer get what they pay for -- and hopefully a little bit more.

After numerous requests we did at last get a reply from Lauren Raiten, and here it is:

order xid# x7010750411. text was omitted. date, author only part of order correct

That's all there was. Nothing else. Just that line.

OK, well, so....the problem is that Lauren didn't send us the order number. She sent us some credit card processing reference thing, the purpose of which we have no clue. We immediately wrote back as follows:

The order number is a four-digit string, such as 2568, or 2519, etc. Please reply with the order number. In any email you received from the Yahoo Shopping system, the order number is listed in the subject field as ORDER NUMBER.

By this time we're beginning to wonder what we were dealing with. This was a situation in which the order was obviously screwed up -- clearly our fault, if all those mistakes were made, and we really wanted to get this resolved, and off the board. Unfortunately, this time Lauren again refused to reply at all. Nothing. Zip. Nada. We suppose most companies would have shrugged it off, and decided that if the customer was satisfied with a faulty product, then they should be also. But we're never satisfied with a faulty product. If the customer pays us, the customer MUST get what they pay for. Perhaps we should seek therapy for this peculiar and unpopular business ethic.

In exasperation, we started going through our archives, looking for the order by name, email and IP address. We eventually found the order, and that was order #2489, as follows:

Lauren Raiten
4310 Austin Blvd
Island Park NY
11558 US
United States
5164325155

Bill to: Same

E-Mail ljraiten@aol.com (emailed)
Via 2-5 Day Average
Payment XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Rev-Share URL:

Personalized Fake FN-ALL 1 24.95 Paper Type = Regular Newsprint Newspapers (normal) Size Choices = Full (-15.00) = $24.95 for 3 Copies Subtotal 24.95 Shipping 7.61 Tax 0.00 Total 32.56

At least we now knew who we were talking to. Her story was submitted as follows:

Article Number: C-47 Cuban Cigar Smugglers
Buyer's First Name: Lauren
Buyer's Last Name: Raiten
Buyer's Email Address: ljraaiten@aol.com

Date of Newspaper: Novermber 6, 2005
Paper Name: Daily News
Paper Headline: Steakhouse Owner tied to Illegal Cuban Cigar Ring
Image Description: Hoard of Rare Cigars Smuggled from Cuba
Article Headline: "This case gets curiouser and curiouser," say US Customs Officials. "It's mystery heaped on intrigue."
Byline: Joe Fats
Story Location: Island Park
ArticleBody: US Coast Guard Officials ended their search today for the occupants and crew of an old wooden luxury yacht which eluded law enforcement agencies and was finally found scuttled and abandoned in a remote area of the (Florida) Keys. US Customs has taken over the case. "They're professionals," admitted George Applegate, spokesman for the Miami office. "And they're good." The whole thing began when US officials received word from certain unofficial entities within the Cuban government that a "significant" theft had been effected by unknown Americans, against a secure warehouse in Havana owned by the Castro regime. Reportedly, the thieves got away with "about twenty two tons" of "pre-Cohiba Lanceros" (cigars). It is unknown why the Castro government was holding such a large cache of such a rare product. "It may be just a case of hoarding," said Emile Francisca, Customs Offical. "It's odd though, because Castro was reported to have stockpiled the 'Trinidad' cigar, which was reportedly one of his favorites. But why he'd be hoarding such a large quantity of these (Lanceros) is beyond us at this time." Indeed, the plot thickens as US officials are informed by official channels in Cuba that no such cigars ever existed in any government-owned warehouse, and, further, that no such cigars were stolen. But US Coast Guard officials disagree: "We know the yacht docked in Cuba. We know Cuban authorities 'interacted' with a number of Americans. We know the yacht departed in a hurry, possibly under fire from Cuban authorities. We tried to intercept the vessel; it eluded us. These are all facts. Once we found the yacht scuttled in the Keys, it was searched, and several hundred pounds of the pre-Cohiba Lanceros were found in the hold. The evidence suggests that the yacht carried many times that amount-perhaps as much as twenty two tons. The street value of that many is almost incalculable." Customs has few clues in the case. They are seeking two "persons of interest", Mr. and Mrs. Robert and Carol Jones, who are believed to have been involved in the incident. "These folks aren't 'suspects' per se," commented Customs Officials in Ft. Lauderdale. "We're not sure exactly what their involvement was. But we are seeking them, and we do need to speak with them without delay."
Image Upload #1:
Image Upload #2:
Included Images?: NO
Size for This Story?: FULL ($24.95) (3 copies)

Armed with the actual order, we located our copy of her fake newspaper and pulled it up, anxious to make the corrections and get the new copy out to her ASAP. Oddly, none of the errors Ms. Raiten was complaining about existed in her order! Here's an actual copy of the product that was originally sent to Ms. Raiten, and which she insisted was missing the date, the byline, and who knows what else:

Of course at this point the tone of the problem changed dramatically. There is no "missing byline", no "missing date", in fact there are no errors AT ALL, and there almost never are any errors in our products. Still we had not heard back from this woman. We did our best to suppress our anger and outrage at this stunt, and we emailed her, yet again, as follows:

We're sorry we did not hear back from you (again) regarding your order number. We've searched our archives and we find only one order under the name of "Raiten". We have opened that order and we've attached a small screen-print of the actual page as it printed. You've stated that the date was missing, yet the date is clearly shown at the top of the page. You've stated that the author was missing, yet the author is clearly shown in the byline field. You've stated that text was omitted, yet we've checked the order against your submitted form, and we find absolutely nothing missing or omitted whatsoever. You state that only part of the order is correct, yet we cannot find a single paragraph, sentence, word, phrase or letter which is incorrect. This problem is beginning to seem more than a little odd to us. You complain and insult us, and we reply immediately in the hope of making you happy -- but you ignore our repeated emails. Finally, when you do reply, you state that there are mistakes on your order that clearly do not exist in the template. If you are stating that all of this information shows up in one print but not on your print, please mail us the newspaper as proof and if the errors exist , we will instantly correct it and provide a replacement. At this time, in order to document our reply and our repeated attempts to resolve this problem, we are delivering to you a certified copy of this email. Again, if you are claiming that one printed version does not match the other printed version, please immediately send us the printed version that contains the errors. Our contact address is located by link from our home page. Use the link that says CONTACT US. It is clearly marked in the link bar on the left of our home page. The link to our home page is clearly shown immediately below this sentence. Unless you can provide us with proof that some kind of error has been made, there is nothing further [we] can do for you.

Again we received NO REPLY. Surprise! Now damned angry for being accused of making mistakes we didn't make, and for having our time utterly wasted for no reason whatsoever, we fired off a final attempt:

This will be our final attempt to get to the bottom of your complaint. We are fast losing patience. This exchange will be posted on our website within the next few days. Once again, for the final time, we have replied to your complaint with an actual print-out of your order, showing that the items you claim are missing, are not actually missing. At this point we have no idea why you continue to pursue this complaint. We feel our customers deserve to know how we handle complaints; hence, the public posting of this exchange. If you remain unwilling to help us resolve this matter in a timely and responsible manner, we'll ask that you let the matter drop. We do document that you receive our emails. Why did you lodge this complaint in the first place if you did not intend to help us assist you?

To this we did receive a reply, which is self explanatory:

Please feel free to post anything you would like. I did ,in fact, respond to your email and you insist that I have errored. If you had the abilty to exercise some thought, would it not seem resonable for this complaint to be recognized as it was as specific as you insist upon when ordering? You have no recourse . My recourse is to know that I am one customer at any given opportunity will express to anyone who asks what a bad job you do. In addition ,your condensending remarks are insulting and in poor taste.

Right. And our final email to this damned broad is below. It is surprisingly polite, inasmuch as all we really wanted to do was tell her to go f---k herself.

If our insinuation that you have erred is incorrect, all you need do is send us one of the newspapers as proof! Yet you mysteriously refuse to do this. Your email, [above], largely makes no sense, and we are beginning to suspect a substance abuse problem. We have bent over backwards trying to get to the bottom of this and resolve your problem as quickly as possible. You dodge the issue at every turn. Why do you refuse to send us the newspaper that is "full of mistakes"? We believe that, given the evidence, there are NO mistakes in your newspaper, and that, for some insane reason, you have simply made this up. Why? We cannot begin to imagine. We do see this kind of craziness once or twice a year, and we have yet to figure out what motivates those who attempt it. That you intend to bad-mouth us as "doing a bad job" is certainly your choice -- of course if you lie about us you will be sued. We suggest that those you warn will simply consider the source. In any case, we are posting this entire exchange, which will be searchable by Google. Anyone wishing to know the actual story can find your account, and ours, posted forever. Customers sometimes wonder why businesses lose patience with them. This fiasco is a prime example. You have been blocked from ordering from us in the future. We'd still LOVE to see the newspaper you received that is "filled with errors". We won't hold our breath, however, as it is clear it does not exist.

We didn't hear from the woman again.

Sometimes customers attempt to scam a business, thinking......what? That the business is simply going to issue a refund without getting to the bottom of the problem? In this case Raiten didn't even ask for a refund -- perhaps because she knew she couldn't prove her case. We do see this particular phenomenon from time to time, as well. We simply do not know what the motivation is, except that these customers are angry about something and are intent on venting that anger, regardless of whether the recipient is totally innocent! What fine folks those are!

In conclusion, there's a curious twist in this case. Several years ago we supplied an order of custom wrapping paper to a cigar store (smoke shop), and endured an almost identical exchange with the customer, right down to the manner of communication, the phraseology, the same types of absurd complaints.... Since this item (Cuban Cigar Story) is a similar product (at least with a similar theme), it would be an uncanny coincidence if the two were not related. As time allows we'll go back through the archives to see if we can make a connection. If so, we'll forward the case to the police as a harassment complaint.

In the meantime, there is little a business can do to avoid these kinds of outrageous encounters. They can keep good records, document their sales, especially for personalized items (we actually photograph certain personalized items before they ship out); they can bend over backwards to assist the customer, but in rare cases a crazy customer can still simply elect to trash a business for no apparent reason. If you can catch them in the act, of course, you can sue them. But chances are they'll be difficult to catch. We feel the most affordable recourse is for the slandered business to publicly post the proof in cases like this, in the hope that intelligent customers are willing to take the time to sort through the nonsense and rhetoric of the insane, and come to an informed conclusion. That may be a hollow hope, however.

(Note: The Yahoo Shopping Network has recognized the seriousness of this kind of problem, and has given its store owners an IP blocking tool to prevent unwanted customers from ordering. Unfortunately the system cannot block customers whose IP address changes often, such as those on dial-up. Better blocking tools are needed for undesirable buyers.)

(Note: We see more of this kind of thing from Sept through January than at any other time of year)